I am flesh and you are Spirit

Life hasn't been easy, these past few weeks. our last post stated we were pregnant, and just that alone took us through an ocean full of emotions. we weren't planning, so we were like ok, then started dreaming about this new life, started picking names, and in less than a week it was all gone, the baby, our first baby, gone. I had a miscarriage on Friday, the day after the doctors told us we were having a baby, an easter baby! April 14th, was the due date. I went through all these ups and downs and i am pretty controlled now, except for a casual banter of frustration.

I have so many questions, the main one being, how should i feel about all this? Will i ever understand why this happened? Everyone is doing their best to encourage me that God will use this in my testimony, but to be honest i don't want it to be another notch on my belt that i can say i went through. By all means God, if you can use this for your glory and someone can come to you through my pain use it, but at this state, those are not the most comforting words.

Friday when I was just bleeding out this baby, that we had dreamed up a life for, I felt so out of control, I couldn't save this life that I wanted so badly, and my sweet husband just held me and we (I) cried for hours, because this little life was gone and their was nothing I did to cause this tragedy, or I could do to change the outcome. Zac just laid next next to me and he didnt't care he was all up in my snot, he just was there mourning with me, he was the perfect example of what Christ calls his church too. mourn with those who mourn and weep with those who weep.

As i am writing this i see how much we humans like to control things, we even like control things that keep us in a stagnant place in our lives, just to feel this sense of control.

I see how much God needs to be in control, and allowing him to come in and be all up in my stuff, and making sure i step back and soak in His amazing love that brings a sense of peace that surpasses all my understandings.

I personally am doing much better but, i am broken, and i know that is the place where i need to be before the throne of the almighty one.
Come heal my heart oh Lord, make me a new creation yet again, and take what I have been through and use it to reach the world for your Glory.

I could just buck up and pretend all is find, but i rather take all my brokenness and lay it all the feet of Jesus and say put me together again, add a few new pieces that will make me shiny an anew.

God is my strength and his love is strong and i am flesh and he is spirit, and my flesh needs his spirit to breathe life in me again!