so i recored some songs

the past year of my life has been, up to this point, the most confusing and heartbreaking year of my life. without going into too many details, i want to share a little of the healing process and everything that has gone down.

when my wife graduated college, we took a job in north carolina, we were going to do worship and work with the youth, we were really excited. we packed up everything, said by to our friends, quit our current jobs, and moved to north carolina. after a few weeks there we, began to question if we had made the right decision, and maybe we had missed what God really had for us. needless to say, we ended up leaving after only 2.5 months. this time we sold EVERYTHING we owned and flew to alaska.

this is where the story really gets going...

after being in alaska for only a week we found out that we were 8 weeks pregnant... we were freaked out, excited, and overwhelmed all at the same time. we had just come out of a really bummer-of-a-deal church situation and to find out we were going to be parents. after a few days of embracing the idea and getting excited, and going to the doctor, we decided to tell people. everyone was very supportive and excited, it made us even more excited for this new journey. however, the next day we wife mandy miscarried and we lost the baby. words cannot express the amount of pain we experienced. we honestly felt broken, helpless and lost.

a few weeks later we moved out of my parents house, and into a little apartment in the wrong side of town, got stable jobs and just rested. everyday got a little bit easier since the loss of the baby. just when we thought we were on stable ground, and had things under control, we found out we were pregnant again. i think you could imagine the confuse and fear we were feeling.

i once had a teacher in jr. high tell me that guitar was going to be my therapy, and dont ever stop playing. through this past season God really put a song in my heart, i didnt really understand it, i hadnt heard what it sounded like, but i knew it was there. and my teacher was right, guitar was my escape, just me and god. i begin to write some of the most personal songs i had ever written, and through these songs i began to heal.

my wife and i just found out last week we are having a little girl, we are believing and thanking God everyday for our beautiful and healthy baby girl. we have settled on the name grace. there have been some mentors in our lives that have spoken into our lives, at the time we left north carolina they said we would be growing in grace, and last week they said that god has blessed up with a crown of grace. she is expected to arrive on july 2nd. you should see my wife, she is more beautiful than ever. she is the mother of grace.

i have been working on these songs, recording them, re-writing them, and getting them ready to do a full cd. in the meantime, i wanted to share a few of them with you. i just released a three song ep called 'perfume and a song.' this is just a little peak at the journey i have had, and when it is at its worst, the best and all i have to give is my perfume and my song.

the cd is free to download, or pay whatever you want. i just want you to be blessed by the music. i hope this story makes sense, if not listen to the music, i think it will speak for itself. download it here:

mayer.it might get loud. upton. wilco. u2. switchfoot. derek webb. bon iver. varnadore. crash this place

ive always wanted to do one of these, i just always forget until half way through the year, and then its just pointless. im gonna list my favorite albums from this past year. these are in no particular order. check them out if you dont have them already.

I am flesh and you are Spirit

Life hasn't been easy, these past few weeks. our last post stated we were pregnant, and just that alone took us through an ocean full of emotions. we weren't planning, so we were like ok, then started dreaming about this new life, started picking names, and in less than a week it was all gone, the baby, our first baby, gone. I had a miscarriage on Friday, the day after the doctors told us we were having a baby, an easter baby! April 14th, was the due date. I went through all these ups and downs and i am pretty controlled now, except for a casual banter of frustration.

I have so many questions, the main one being, how should i feel about all this? Will i ever understand why this happened? Everyone is doing their best to encourage me that God will use this in my testimony, but to be honest i don't want it to be another notch on my belt that i can say i went through. By all means God, if you can use this for your glory and someone can come to you through my pain use it, but at this state, those are not the most comforting words.

Friday when I was just bleeding out this baby, that we had dreamed up a life for, I felt so out of control, I couldn't save this life that I wanted so badly, and my sweet husband just held me and we (I) cried for hours, because this little life was gone and their was nothing I did to cause this tragedy, or I could do to change the outcome. Zac just laid next next to me and he didnt't care he was all up in my snot, he just was there mourning with me, he was the perfect example of what Christ calls his church too. mourn with those who mourn and weep with those who weep.

As i am writing this i see how much we humans like to control things, we even like control things that keep us in a stagnant place in our lives, just to feel this sense of control.

I see how much God needs to be in control, and allowing him to come in and be all up in my stuff, and making sure i step back and soak in His amazing love that brings a sense of peace that surpasses all my understandings.

I personally am doing much better but, i am broken, and i know that is the place where i need to be before the throne of the almighty one.
Come heal my heart oh Lord, make me a new creation yet again, and take what I have been through and use it to reach the world for your Glory.

I could just buck up and pretend all is find, but i rather take all my brokenness and lay it all the feet of Jesus and say put me together again, add a few new pieces that will make me shiny an anew.

God is my strength and his love is strong and i am flesh and he is spirit, and my flesh needs his spirit to breathe life in me again!

oh yea i almost forgot....

we are having a baby! we are 6 weeks prego, and are due in april!

mary magdalene and jesus

Mandy and i were talking today and she brought up this question:

" I wonder what Mary Magdalene looked like when she first meet Jesus?"

i sat there for just a second and just thought about the image, of being so desperate to pour out all you have at the feet of Jesus and not really caring much about anything people thought about you. we can find in the Bible that she was a 'sinner' ( luke 7:36-50) and that was more so than not a hooker.

she was considered someone who was not worthy, someone who was only associated with in the late evening hours , and she crossed a lot of cultural barriers to meet Jesus. i was thinking today at how many of us are bound to our "church cultural barriers" and how those prevent us from pouring ourselves out at Jesus feet. there seems to be so much pressure on the way we look, how we dress and who we associate ourselves with, i think it all gets in the way. the beauty i find in this story is that, she was desperate to forsake any dignity she had left, fully expose herself and give up what the world (the religious leaders) called wealth: her perfume.
(she gave up the very thing that made her the most desirable to men)

are we this desperate? are willing to just say this is me, and i need jesus, get out of my way?! i wonder how many churches would allow a mary magdalene in on a sunday morning? i think its time we get desperate, and pour ourselves out at the feet of jesus and give everything we have.

are you ready?

under my skin

so ive been listening to a lot of music lately and some of it, i just cant seem to get away from. i cant get it out of me... what is it about honest and in your face lyrics that get under our skin? i dont know about you guys but, i love when then happens. i love hearing a song for the first time and just drowning in it. a good friend of mine told me that "music is what feelings sound like" and i think we are all looking to feel something, and connect to it. we all want to be apart of something, and i think music is the best way to make friends and keep them.

here are some note worthy bands/artist that will get under your skin if you want them to or not:
wiclo
kings of leon
john mark mcmillan
jason upton
preson phillips
jon helser
ryan adams

give those guys a spin and let become friends!

alaska. going home

so there has been a lot going on with mandy and i, but long story short we are moving back to alaska. we are leaving on wednesday. we will miss our friends and the memories we have made along the way. this decision to move, is bigger than us (trust me, ive never moved so much in three months ever). we had a huge yardsale today, we did really well. God has really opened doors for us, and we feel like Jonah, we needed to be obedient a few months ago, and we have been on the ship in stormy weather, and then we jumped off and are feeling a huge peace....BUT we have to be obedient still. (what an endless cycle) anyway. we will be in the great north next week, and frankly i cant wait to go home.

so farewell florida and north carolina, we will meet again, and hello alaskan friends who i have not seen in a long time.

im still on my ryan adams kick, and it is getting better and better. go and buy "love is hell" album and lets talk about it.

zac